The past few days something has started growing on my mind. I don’t know what planted the seed, as it’s not something I had thought about too much beforehand. Maybe it’s the fact that I’m turning 25 in a few months and the “quarter-life crisis” machine is starting to spin its wheels. Whatever did it brought fertilizer though because it’s wrapped it’s tendrils around my brain and won’t let go. Hopefully writing this post out will help loosen the grip and let me think about other, more pressing, issues like whether it’s time I should finally get out of bed at 9am or what type of tea I’m going to have today.
What’s been growing on my mind is the idea and fear that I am completely unoriginal.
At first you might think, “But Cithryth, you create a lot of stuff of varying kinds. You don’t really need to worry about that.” And sure, you would be correct. I make a lot of stuff. Videos, blog posts, podcasts, and lately drawings as well. But here the thing: none of it is original. I’m not even talking about the broader kind of definition of original because that’s a no-brainer. Under no circumstances am I the first to talk about video games in a podcast, talk about a video game while I play it, write about my experiences with a video game, or draw my video game characters. That is incredibly obvious and always has been, so that’s not really the issue here.
The issue is that all of these creations of mine not only feed off of other peoples’ creations – they completely rely on them. Guild Wars Players News? Would not exist if not for LOTRO Players News setting the model, and of course would not exist without Guild Wars 2 the game. My YouTube videos? Would not exist if none of those games existed. The closest thing to original on my YouTube channel is the vlogs, which on their own aren’t super interesting. My blog posts? Usually about other peoples’ games and therefore are completely reliant on those games.
Taken at face value, this isn’t necessarily a problem. I always aim to provide entertainment and information with the things I create and I pride myself on my curation skills when it comes to advice and information. This is more of a problem on an existential level, really. There’s a cloying thought in the back of my mind that I haven’t created anything entirely my own. At the same time though I have to keep asking myself, “Is that really so bad? As long as I’ve produced something that people enjoy and find value in, is it so bad that these creations are based on others’ works?”
Honestly, I’m not sure. This is the kind of thing where the answer is different for each person. I think the fact that the question has been bothering me so much lately is the answer itself: because it’s been bothering me so much, it means that it is really so bad and that I should be working to create something unique and original.
I know it’s dangerous for me to write out my goals on the internet (inevitably it means the goal ends up not being met, see: 52 weeks of short stories, which never got past 4 weeks), but this concern has created a new one for me: create something of my own every week. It might be a short story, a poem, a drawing, whatever. Maybe this will even give me the mental push to start tinkering with game development myself. I’m keeping it quite open-ended because of the aforementioned goal failing tendencies of mine. Whatever it is I end up doing every week I’ll post to this blog so whoever it is that is reading this blog can help me stay accountable for my goal. If anyone actually pays attention to this, I guess we’ll see.